However cliché the image might now appear to be, anxiety clouded over your brain to see the good or rather if we were to put it into words , it’s like a travelling train that doesn’t stop.
But what if? And this is an if, that it wasn’t the train that didn’t stop, but rather it was you. You can’t get off at the next stop because you fear that unknown when you pass all those stops and the fear that disables us to get off a stop and make a decision.
So let’s go back to the beginning…
Back in February this year I began to feel very insecure, hating the way I look, along with feeling down and I wasn’t “Myself” my Fiancè noticed and so did my Mum. I went to the Doctors and cried it out. I was signed off work for two weeks and I was insistent that I wasn’t going to go on tablets and that I would be fine. Those two weeks passed, I kept busy and I went back to work. I changed jobs to be closer to home shortly after and things started to look up again.
But my world started to crumble, very quickly. I was working 11 hours some days and sometimes that being over 5 days of the week. The work load was getting bigger and I was getting so down about work, life and myself. I got to the point where I isolated my self from loved ones and put on a fake smile because I didn’t know what else to do.
About 6 weeks ago I got to the point where I would cry constantly, make myself sick and I also didn’t want to leave my house as I felt so ugly and useless to society. I went to work one morning and cried my eyes out that’s when I knew I needed to seek medical advice as this feeling had be going on for months at this stage. My Dad helped me get a Doctors appointment for that day and I had the support of my Mum, she came with me. Again I was signed of work but I was told I needed to go on anti-depressants. At this point I felt heartbroken, ashamed of my self and I was the lowest I have ever been in my life.
I took the two weeks to clear my head, start my dosage on my tablets. With this came some strange side affects like shaking, feeling sick and fatigue. Having time away from work allowed me to spend time with loved ones and to work out how I could change my life to make me feel more like “Me” again.
After discussions with a few people I decided to hand my notice in at work and decided to look for a job with less hours, less stress and somewhere where I felt valued. I started my new job about 3 weeks ago and it has helped me take a step in the right direction.
I know there is no quick fix to mental illness but atleast a I have come to terms with what is happening in m my mind, it’s something atleast. Some days I feel really low, I am doing my best to stay positive and to look forward and not back. Hence the new blog name, I just need a fresh start, somewhere I can really be “Me”.